First Day of School! Wake up, wake up!

Today was my first day of college, and man was it exciting. I actually saw a bunch of familiar faces, one of them being a good friend of mine from elementary school!

My english teacher is honestly the cutest thing of my life. She's super hyper and excited to meet everyone; you can tell she loves her job. My psych teacher was pretty chill too. Total goof ball with a really interesting take on beliefs.

I think what made today so exciting was meeting with a few girls from Phi Mu. I literally stood at their recruitment table for a good hour talking to them about their sorority and rushing. They were super sweet and now I can't wait until rush.  I'm definitely going to be looking into their sorority a lot more.

To end my exciting day, I went out to get froyo with the lovely Katie Wolf. I swear I could never get tired of talking to that girl. We literally sat at Menchies for a good three hours just talking and obsessing over college.

All in all, I'd say my first day of college was really successful and fun. I can't wait until tomorrow!

Life Goes On

Well, it's here, the ending to another wild and crazy summer. This summer, however, was very different from the others. This summer, I turned 18, I said goodbye to some people and see you later to others. Tomorrow I will embark on my new adventure. I will meet new people, attend a new school, absorb new knowledge, and develop a new "normal."

What is that word? Normal. My normal has changed big time this summer. I lost two pets that I loved. I lost a friendship. And even worse, I lost high school. I lost all of the familiar faces I was so used to seeing every day. I lost waking up every morning and getting to school at zero period to get a parking spot and sitting in the car laughing and talking with Sidnie. I lost walking down the hallway to my locker and seeing the notorious group of Elco baseball players huddled next to their lockers and saying "hi" to me as I pass by. I lost my favorite corner in the back of crazy Mrs. Greene's class where Phoebe, Maddie, Katie, Tanny, Brianna, and I would sit and talk about how much we hated the class. I lost an amazing group of friends that I connected with through music and who shared their passion of music with our voices as one.

It sucks not knowing what my new "normal" is going to be. It sucks not knowing who I'm going to kill time with now that most of my core group of friends are away at college. But I guess I've got to take it day by day and figure out what's next. Robert Frost said it best: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”

Two More Days...

Just two more days of being invisible. Just two more days of ignoring everything and everyone. Two more days of not caring and everything going the way I want it. Two more glorious, perfect days. Then, it’s back to the hell hole. I’ve honestly come to hate high school and everyone in it this last semester. No one is who they say they are. No one is who you think they are. People surprise you, and it’s not for the better. I’ve become sick to my stomach with liars and cheaters and fakes, and I’ve had enough. Thank goodness I only have to face these people for only six more months. Only six more months and then, I’ll never have to see them again. I don’t know if I’ll be able to even last the six months. Something is bound to happen, and knowing me, its not going to be anything good. Like I’ve said, I might not be able to hit you, but I can still pull your hair down to the ground and make you eat dirt.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel...

I've been having a terrible month. Many things have just snow balled out of control that I had no power over to keep from happening. Let's just say, I've been feeling alone and invisible lately.

Tonight was my last winter concert as a high school student. I wasn't excited or nervous or anything at all really. I guess you could say I felt like it was just a routine, I've done it so many times that it's just comfortable to me. The stage is my home.

I wasn't happy or anything, but I sang my best, and I sang loud and passionate. A few of the people I love came to see me perform, like my family and Daeja, Lauren, Daniel, and Cori and that made me a little excited, but anxious at the same time, I didn't want to screw up in front of them.

After the first half of the performance, we're allowed to go and "mingle" with the audience and our family. During intermission, some lady walked up to me and said: "I was sitting in the 4th row and I could hear YOU. You have such a beautiful voice, I started crying when I heard you singing the carols." That's something I'll never forget. To know that I moved someone so much with my voice after I've doubted myself incredibly is the best feeling in the world.

After intermission, we preformed Vivaldi's "Gloria" which was absolutely incredible. We blended so well, I was absolutely amazed by how great we sounded. All the hard work was well paid off. And for our finale, Camerata sang "The Hallelujah Chorus" with the orchestra and during it, the entire audience stood up. They stood up while we sang it and after it was over we got a standing ovation. That was probably one of the coolest moments of my life. 

Tonight was a night I'll never, ever forget.

My Eternal Fight With God...

I don’t understand why my history keeps repeating itself. It sucks and I don’t think I’ll be able to go through the same thing for a 3rd time. My Aunt told me to pray about it, that maybe it’s God trying to teach me a lesson that I didn’t get the first time. Well I prayed and I cried and had this eternal fight with God about why he’s doing this to me again, and why he couldn’t help me understand the lesson the first time. I still don’t fully understand the lesson, but what I did understand is that God is trying to tell me that I shouldn’t look for love. He’s given me a heart full of love to give, and He knows I want to share my full heart with someone, but He has someone in mind that wants the same thing, but I keep looking for it in the wrong people. These people don’t have the same love I have in my heart right now, and that’s what I believe God is trying to teach me; to not look for love, but rather let love find me. He wants me to love everyone, He’s not ready for me to share my love with someone yet, but He’s using me to send love to those who need it. 

I think the reason I’ve been so angry lately is because I want to hate, but I don’t have the heart to hate anything or anyone. 

Let the memories of before melt away..

The feeling of betrayal. It feels like someone has taken a knife and has stabbed you in the stomach and is slowly twisting it around in circles. It feels like someone has shot a hole in your chest. It feels like someone has taken a hammer and is banging at your knees as hard as they can, repeatedly. Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but c’mon, I never thought I’d be betrayed by my best friend.

I know you’re not supposed to hate, but that’s all I feel for two particular people. I hate them. Now, I know maybe a few days, or weeks, or maybe even months from now, my hatred will turn into anger, and then, eventually, that anger will settle and I’ll never think of them again. But right now, I hate them. 

It’s funny how every person at my school is just like next. You think they’re different, but they’re not. All they want to do is screw you over. They don’t care for anyone but themselves. Maybe its me? Maybe I care too much? Maybe I should just stop caring competely. I’ve been screwed over too many times. I feel like I’ve given out all the love I could possibly give and have gotten nothing in return. I’m done with caring. I’m also done with being a good friend, a best friend. I’m just ……done.

Big Pine

I’m really starting to miss that place. It’s crazy….I haven’t been there since May. I miss it. It’s like my second home. It’s honestly my favorite place in the whole entire world. I miss the tiny little church where I know everyone and they all know me. I miss Miss Ardith walking up to me saying “I remember when I first met you, you were about your brothers age and the first thing you said to me was ‘Miss Ardith you have lipstick on your teeth.’” I miss walking around the track at night in the pitch black with nothing but the stars giving light. I miss driving down back dirt roads with a large soda and some spitz to share listening to music and driving over bumps as fast as we can. I miss fishing in the creek in my nana's backyard. I miss driving my poppa's truck with his back seat driving. I miss going to sleep in the princess room with the creaking bed and headboard. I miss the sound of the pellet stove when its lit. I miss walking in the front door and the first thing I see is that dang deer head with the stuffed pheasant next to it. I miss the ugly rusted color carpet that I love so much. I miss the microwave that doesn't have a timer. I miss hearing the tree branches bang against the window. I miss that 15 minute drive into Bishop where I know I’m about to go have the best bargain shopping ever at JC PENNY and KMART. I miss playing truck tag with all the boys in town and hiding in the graveyard at 12 at night. I especially miss Sam. I haven’t seen her in almost a year. It’s crazy. She’s one girl I know will always be my best friend. Even though we live like 482809213091 miles away from each other….when we’re together it’s like we were never apart. I miss my home away from home.