Two More Days...

Just two more days of being invisible. Just two more days of ignoring everything and everyone. Two more days of not caring and everything going the way I want it. Two more glorious, perfect days. Then, it’s back to the hell hole. I’ve honestly come to hate high school and everyone in it this last semester. No one is who they say they are. No one is who you think they are. People surprise you, and it’s not for the better. I’ve become sick to my stomach with liars and cheaters and fakes, and I’ve had enough. Thank goodness I only have to face these people for only six more months. Only six more months and then, I’ll never have to see them again. I don’t know if I’ll be able to even last the six months. Something is bound to happen, and knowing me, its not going to be anything good. Like I’ve said, I might not be able to hit you, but I can still pull your hair down to the ground and make you eat dirt.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel...

I've been having a terrible month. Many things have just snow balled out of control that I had no power over to keep from happening. Let's just say, I've been feeling alone and invisible lately.

Tonight was my last winter concert as a high school student. I wasn't excited or nervous or anything at all really. I guess you could say I felt like it was just a routine, I've done it so many times that it's just comfortable to me. The stage is my home.

I wasn't happy or anything, but I sang my best, and I sang loud and passionate. A few of the people I love came to see me perform, like my family and Daeja, Lauren, Daniel, and Cori and that made me a little excited, but anxious at the same time, I didn't want to screw up in front of them.

After the first half of the performance, we're allowed to go and "mingle" with the audience and our family. During intermission, some lady walked up to me and said: "I was sitting in the 4th row and I could hear YOU. You have such a beautiful voice, I started crying when I heard you singing the carols." That's something I'll never forget. To know that I moved someone so much with my voice after I've doubted myself incredibly is the best feeling in the world.

After intermission, we preformed Vivaldi's "Gloria" which was absolutely incredible. We blended so well, I was absolutely amazed by how great we sounded. All the hard work was well paid off. And for our finale, Camerata sang "The Hallelujah Chorus" with the orchestra and during it, the entire audience stood up. They stood up while we sang it and after it was over we got a standing ovation. That was probably one of the coolest moments of my life. 

Tonight was a night I'll never, ever forget.

My Eternal Fight With God...

I don’t understand why my history keeps repeating itself. It sucks and I don’t think I’ll be able to go through the same thing for a 3rd time. My Aunt told me to pray about it, that maybe it’s God trying to teach me a lesson that I didn’t get the first time. Well I prayed and I cried and had this eternal fight with God about why he’s doing this to me again, and why he couldn’t help me understand the lesson the first time. I still don’t fully understand the lesson, but what I did understand is that God is trying to tell me that I shouldn’t look for love. He’s given me a heart full of love to give, and He knows I want to share my full heart with someone, but He has someone in mind that wants the same thing, but I keep looking for it in the wrong people. These people don’t have the same love I have in my heart right now, and that’s what I believe God is trying to teach me; to not look for love, but rather let love find me. He wants me to love everyone, He’s not ready for me to share my love with someone yet, but He’s using me to send love to those who need it. 

I think the reason I’ve been so angry lately is because I want to hate, but I don’t have the heart to hate anything or anyone. 

Let the memories of before melt away..

The feeling of betrayal. It feels like someone has taken a knife and has stabbed you in the stomach and is slowly twisting it around in circles. It feels like someone has shot a hole in your chest. It feels like someone has taken a hammer and is banging at your knees as hard as they can, repeatedly. Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but c’mon, I never thought I’d be betrayed by my best friend.

I know you’re not supposed to hate, but that’s all I feel for two particular people. I hate them. Now, I know maybe a few days, or weeks, or maybe even months from now, my hatred will turn into anger, and then, eventually, that anger will settle and I’ll never think of them again. But right now, I hate them. 

It’s funny how every person at my school is just like next. You think they’re different, but they’re not. All they want to do is screw you over. They don’t care for anyone but themselves. Maybe its me? Maybe I care too much? Maybe I should just stop caring competely. I’ve been screwed over too many times. I feel like I’ve given out all the love I could possibly give and have gotten nothing in return. I’m done with caring. I’m also done with being a good friend, a best friend. I’m just ……done.

Big Pine

I’m really starting to miss that place. It’s crazy….I haven’t been there since May. I miss it. It’s like my second home. It’s honestly my favorite place in the whole entire world. I miss the tiny little church where I know everyone and they all know me. I miss Miss Ardith walking up to me saying “I remember when I first met you, you were about your brothers age and the first thing you said to me was ‘Miss Ardith you have lipstick on your teeth.’” I miss walking around the track at night in the pitch black with nothing but the stars giving light. I miss driving down back dirt roads with a large soda and some spitz to share listening to music and driving over bumps as fast as we can. I miss fishing in the creek in my nana's backyard. I miss driving my poppa's truck with his back seat driving. I miss going to sleep in the princess room with the creaking bed and headboard. I miss the sound of the pellet stove when its lit. I miss walking in the front door and the first thing I see is that dang deer head with the stuffed pheasant next to it. I miss the ugly rusted color carpet that I love so much. I miss the microwave that doesn't have a timer. I miss hearing the tree branches bang against the window. I miss that 15 minute drive into Bishop where I know I’m about to go have the best bargain shopping ever at JC PENNY and KMART. I miss playing truck tag with all the boys in town and hiding in the graveyard at 12 at night. I especially miss Sam. I haven’t seen her in almost a year. It’s crazy. She’s one girl I know will always be my best friend. Even though we live like 482809213091 miles away from each other….when we’re together it’s like we were never apart. I miss my home away from home.

Total Indoctrination?

Really? Indoctrination? Do you even know what that word means? My peers and I were not indoctrinated by having the drama department stage the play "8." It angers me how people are now bashing on my school, the administration, my peers, and the community itself for such an eyeopening experience.

For those of you who don't know, my high school was the first and ONLY high school in the NATION to stage the play "8." "8" is a play that portrays the legal argument and witness testimony of the Perry v. Schwarzenegger trial, which led to the overturn of California's Proposition 8. It was created by Dustin Lance Black in response of the federal court system's refusal to allow release of video recordings from the trial and to reveal to the public what really went on in the courtroom.

I attended the production last night and I was not forced to go, although that's what people think, that the students were forced to go; it was my choice, I even entered a contest to win a ticket so I could attend the show. I was interested on the topic. Coming from a family with strong Christian beliefs, even I recommend this play to everyone, it is quite the eyeopener and the actors did an outstanding job. I believe that people should marry who they love race, ethnicity, nor gender should matter. Stop being closed minded and ignorant the ideas of relationships are constantly changing. Move on and accept change.

(Adrienne and Kylie were absolutely amazing. Love. Them.)

Growing Up

I think it finally hit my mom today that in less than 9 months I'll be graduated from high school. I met with a representative from Arizona State University at my school today. He talked about the campus and what the school had to offer and pretty much sold me the school. I am definitely going to apply there. They offer the major I want and everything. The best part about it is I meet all the requirements the school wants to get an acceptance.
When I told my mom about the idea of maybe attending the University, she wasn't too thrilled. Ever since the beginning of last year she's been telling me I'm not allowed to apply to out of state colleges because she'll miss me too much, so when I told her I was thinking about applying to ASU she wasn't happy. After I met with the rep I texted her everything he had told me and how California students get a discount in tuition since its a neighboring state and how all freshmen are required to live on campus the first year. Her response was simply "I don't want you to move away from me." I proceeded to tell her that the campus was only 6 hours away but she said "Anywhere that you are not sleeping under my roof every night is too far. You'll never come see me." I told her I would and that I loved her and thats where the conversation ended.
She wasn't home when I got home from school today. I walked into my room and there was a card sitting on my bed that said "For My Tootie Butt" written in her hand writing. I rolled my eyes and thought "oh lord this is gonna be such a drama queen card." I opened the card and this is what I read:

For My Beautiful Daughter

I looked at you today
and saw the same beautiful eyes
that looked at me with love
when you were a baby...

I looked at you today
and saw the same beautiful mouth
that made me cry when you
first smiled at me
when you were a baby...

It was not long ago
that I held you in my arms
long after you fell asleep
and I just kept rocking you
all night long...

I looked at you today
and saw my beautiful daughter
no longer a baby
but a beautiful person
with a full range of emotions,
feelings, ideas and goals...

Everyday is exciting
as I continue to watch you grow.
I want you to know that
in good and bad times
I will love you
and that no matter what you do
or how you think
or what you say
you can depend on
my support, guidance,
friendship and love
every minute of every day.

I love being your mother.




















As I read the card tears started to stream down my face. I love my mom so much and she'll never be able to understand how grateful I am for her, but it's time for me to grow up. I'll still need her, she just doesn't need to hold my hands anymore. Life is like learning to ride a bike, you need your parents to help you keep your balance the first few times, but you need to learn to ride on your own.