Thursday, December 6, 2012

There's a light at the end of the tunnel...

I've been having a terrible month. Many things have just snow balled out of control that I had no power over to keep from happening. Let's just say, I've been feeling alone and invisible lately.

Tonight was my last winter concert as a high school student. I wasn't excited or nervous or anything at all really. I guess you could say I felt like it was just a routine, I've done it so many times that it's just comfortable to me. The stage is my home.

I wasn't happy or anything, but I sang my best, and I sang loud and passionate. A few of the people I love came to see me perform, like my family and Daeja, Lauren, Daniel, and Cori and that made me a little excited, but anxious at the same time, I didn't want to screw up in front of them.

After the first half of the performance, we're allowed to go and "mingle" with the audience and our family. During intermission, some lady walked up to me and said: "I was sitting in the 4th row and I could hear YOU. You have such a beautiful voice, I started crying when I heard you singing the carols." That's something I'll never forget. To know that I moved someone so much with my voice after I've doubted myself incredibly is the best feeling in the world.

After intermission, we preformed Vivaldi's "Gloria" which was absolutely incredible. We blended so well, I was absolutely amazed by how great we sounded. All the hard work was well paid off. And for our finale, Camerata sang "The Hallelujah Chorus" with the orchestra and during it, the entire audience stood up. They stood up while we sang it and after it was over we got a standing ovation. That was probably one of the coolest moments of my life. 

Tonight was a night I'll never, ever forget.


Monday, December 3, 2012

My Eternal Fight With God...


I don’t understand why my history keeps repeating itself. It sucks and I don’t think I’ll be able to go through the same thing for a 3rd time. My Aunt told me to pray about it, that maybe it’s God trying to teach me a lesson that I didn’t get the first time. Well I prayed and I cried and had this eternal fight with God about why he’s doing this to me again, and why he couldn’t help me understand the lesson the first time. I still don’t fully understand the lesson, but what I did understand is that God is trying to tell me that I shouldn’t look for love. He’s given me a heart full of love to give, and He knows I want to share my full heart with someone, but He has someone in mind that wants the same thing, but I keep looking for it in the wrong people. These people don’t have the same love I have in my heart right now, and that’s what I believe God is trying to teach me; to not look for love, but rather let love find me. He wants me to love everyone, He’s not ready for me to share my love with someone yet, but He’s using me to send love to those who need it. 
I think the reason I’ve been so angry lately is because I want to hate, but I don’t have the heart to hate anything or anyone.