There's a light at the end of the tunnel...

I've been having a terrible month. Many things have just snow balled out of control that I had no power over to keep from happening. Let's just say, I've been feeling alone and invisible lately.

Tonight was my last winter concert as a high school student. I wasn't excited or nervous or anything at all really. I guess you could say I felt like it was just a routine, I've done it so many times that it's just comfortable to me. The stage is my home.

I wasn't happy or anything, but I sang my best, and I sang loud and passionate. A few of the people I love came to see me perform, like my family and Daeja, Lauren, Daniel, and Cori and that made me a little excited, but anxious at the same time, I didn't want to screw up in front of them.

After the first half of the performance, we're allowed to go and "mingle" with the audience and our family. During intermission, some lady walked up to me and said: "I was sitting in the 4th row and I could hear YOU. You have such a beautiful voice, I started crying when I heard you singing the carols." That's something I'll never forget. To know that I moved someone so much with my voice after I've doubted myself incredibly is the best feeling in the world.

After intermission, we preformed Vivaldi's "Gloria" which was absolutely incredible. We blended so well, I was absolutely amazed by how great we sounded. All the hard work was well paid off. And for our finale, Camerata sang "The Hallelujah Chorus" with the orchestra and during it, the entire audience stood up. They stood up while we sang it and after it was over we got a standing ovation. That was probably one of the coolest moments of my life. 

Tonight was a night I'll never, ever forget.

My Eternal Fight With God...

I don’t understand why my history keeps repeating itself. It sucks and I don’t think I’ll be able to go through the same thing for a 3rd time. My Aunt told me to pray about it, that maybe it’s God trying to teach me a lesson that I didn’t get the first time. Well I prayed and I cried and had this eternal fight with God about why he’s doing this to me again, and why he couldn’t help me understand the lesson the first time. I still don’t fully understand the lesson, but what I did understand is that God is trying to tell me that I shouldn’t look for love. He’s given me a heart full of love to give, and He knows I want to share my full heart with someone, but He has someone in mind that wants the same thing, but I keep looking for it in the wrong people. These people don’t have the same love I have in my heart right now, and that’s what I believe God is trying to teach me; to not look for love, but rather let love find me. He wants me to love everyone, He’s not ready for me to share my love with someone yet, but He’s using me to send love to those who need it. 

I think the reason I’ve been so angry lately is because I want to hate, but I don’t have the heart to hate anything or anyone. 

Let the memories of before melt away..

The feeling of betrayal. It feels like someone has taken a knife and has stabbed you in the stomach and is slowly twisting it around in circles. It feels like someone has shot a hole in your chest. It feels like someone has taken a hammer and is banging at your knees as hard as they can, repeatedly. Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but c’mon, I never thought I’d be betrayed by my best friend.

I know you’re not supposed to hate, but that’s all I feel for two particular people. I hate them. Now, I know maybe a few days, or weeks, or maybe even months from now, my hatred will turn into anger, and then, eventually, that anger will settle and I’ll never think of them again. But right now, I hate them. 

It’s funny how every person at my school is just like next. You think they’re different, but they’re not. All they want to do is screw you over. They don’t care for anyone but themselves. Maybe its me? Maybe I care too much? Maybe I should just stop caring competely. I’ve been screwed over too many times. I feel like I’ve given out all the love I could possibly give and have gotten nothing in return. I’m done with caring. I’m also done with being a good friend, a best friend. I’m just ……done.

Big Pine

I’m really starting to miss that place. It’s crazy….I haven’t been there since May. I miss it. It’s like my second home. It’s honestly my favorite place in the whole entire world. I miss the tiny little church where I know everyone and they all know me. I miss Miss Ardith walking up to me saying “I remember when I first met you, you were about your brothers age and the first thing you said to me was ‘Miss Ardith you have lipstick on your teeth.’” I miss walking around the track at night in the pitch black with nothing but the stars giving light. I miss driving down back dirt roads with a large soda and some spitz to share listening to music and driving over bumps as fast as we can. I miss fishing in the creek in my nana's backyard. I miss driving my poppa's truck with his back seat driving. I miss going to sleep in the princess room with the creaking bed and headboard. I miss the sound of the pellet stove when its lit. I miss walking in the front door and the first thing I see is that dang deer head with the stuffed pheasant next to it. I miss the ugly rusted color carpet that I love so much. I miss the microwave that doesn't have a timer. I miss hearing the tree branches bang against the window. I miss that 15 minute drive into Bishop where I know I’m about to go have the best bargain shopping ever at JC PENNY and KMART. I miss playing truck tag with all the boys in town and hiding in the graveyard at 12 at night. I especially miss Sam. I haven’t seen her in almost a year. It’s crazy. She’s one girl I know will always be my best friend. Even though we live like 482809213091 miles away from each other….when we’re together it’s like we were never apart. I miss my home away from home.

Total Indoctrination?

Really? Indoctrination? Do you even know what that word means? My peers and I were not indoctrinated by having the drama department stage the play "8." It angers me how people are now bashing on my school, the administration, my peers, and the community itself for such an eyeopening experience.

For those of you who don't know, my high school was the first and ONLY high school in the NATION to stage the play "8." "8" is a play that portrays the legal argument and witness testimony of the Perry v. Schwarzenegger trial, which led to the overturn of California's Proposition 8. It was created by Dustin Lance Black in response of the federal court system's refusal to allow release of video recordings from the trial and to reveal to the public what really went on in the courtroom.

I attended the production last night and I was not forced to go, although that's what people think, that the students were forced to go; it was my choice, I even entered a contest to win a ticket so I could attend the show. I was interested on the topic. Coming from a family with strong Christian beliefs, even I recommend this play to everyone, it is quite the eyeopener and the actors did an outstanding job. I believe that people should marry who they love race, ethnicity, nor gender should matter. Stop being closed minded and ignorant the ideas of relationships are constantly changing. Move on and accept change.

(Adrienne and Kylie were absolutely amazing. Love. Them.)

Growing Up

I think it finally hit my mom today that in less than 9 months I'll be graduated from high school. I met with a representative from Arizona State University at my school today. He talked about the campus and what the school had to offer and pretty much sold me the school. I am definitely going to apply there. They offer the major I want and everything. The best part about it is I meet all the requirements the school wants to get an acceptance.
When I told my mom about the idea of maybe attending the University, she wasn't too thrilled. Ever since the beginning of last year she's been telling me I'm not allowed to apply to out of state colleges because she'll miss me too much, so when I told her I was thinking about applying to ASU she wasn't happy. After I met with the rep I texted her everything he had told me and how California students get a discount in tuition since its a neighboring state and how all freshmen are required to live on campus the first year. Her response was simply "I don't want you to move away from me." I proceeded to tell her that the campus was only 6 hours away but she said "Anywhere that you are not sleeping under my roof every night is too far. You'll never come see me." I told her I would and that I loved her and thats where the conversation ended.
She wasn't home when I got home from school today. I walked into my room and there was a card sitting on my bed that said "For My Tootie Butt" written in her hand writing. I rolled my eyes and thought "oh lord this is gonna be such a drama queen card." I opened the card and this is what I read:

For My Beautiful Daughter

I looked at you today
and saw the same beautiful eyes
that looked at me with love
when you were a baby...

I looked at you today
and saw the same beautiful mouth
that made me cry when you
first smiled at me
when you were a baby...

It was not long ago
that I held you in my arms
long after you fell asleep
and I just kept rocking you
all night long...

I looked at you today
and saw my beautiful daughter
no longer a baby
but a beautiful person
with a full range of emotions,
feelings, ideas and goals...

Everyday is exciting
as I continue to watch you grow.
I want you to know that
in good and bad times
I will love you
and that no matter what you do
or how you think
or what you say
you can depend on
my support, guidance,
friendship and love
every minute of every day.

I love being your mother.




















As I read the card tears started to stream down my face. I love my mom so much and she'll never be able to understand how grateful I am for her, but it's time for me to grow up. I'll still need her, she just doesn't need to hold my hands anymore. Life is like learning to ride a bike, you need your parents to help you keep your balance the first few times, but you need to learn to ride on your own.

My Latest Peeves.

1. Nothing annoys me more than girls who dumb themselves down in front of boys they like. No. Why? It's not cute nor attractive, so why do it? You might thinks it's cute, but in reality everyone else thinks it's annoying as hell. You shouldn't be afraid to be yourself in front of people, especially boys you like. How do you expect them to like you when you aren't being yourself? Be real. There is only one you, so be the best you, you can be. I'd rather have someone hate me for being me than love me for being someone I'm not.

2. When people ask me if I'm mad at them. I know I do it too, but if someone makes it perfectly clear that you've pissed them off, don't come and try to ask them if they're mad at you, it just makes them angrier. And if they are mad at you, don't talk to them. Let them cool off. If I'm mad at you, you're the last person I want to talk to, when I'm ready to talk to you I will talk to you, but until then, pretend like I've fallen off the face of the Earth.

3. People who think too highly of themselves (AKA Cockiness). What makes you so different from everyone else? You're no different from the next person. Materialistic things and looks shouldn't matter, how beautiful someone's heart is, is what should really determine a person's greatness. In reality, the people who are better than everyone else won't admit it and don't see it themselves because that's how much better they are. So, before you judge others, make sure that you're perfect.

Sour Taste Kind of Day

Today was certainly not my day, to say the least. Not only was I completely dead from Senior Picnic yesterday, but my brain didn't want to work with me. Before I left the house this morning, I checked my purse because I had a feeling I needed something from it, but I didn't see anything; I left my early pass. So not only could I not go out with my friends to lunch, but I was pretty much screwed in leaving before the 3:15 school dismissal bell when I get out at 2:15.
Aside from that, I also failed the reading check my English teacher assigned me, even though I actually read the scene this time. I guess that's what I get for taking an honors English class with the hardest teacher on campus. I don't understand why she has to be so dang specific with her answers and questions. I can barely comprehend Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice, let alone Shakespeare's Hamlet in one night of reading. Ugh whatever.
I also think my AP Gov. teacher is a psycho. We've been in school for a month now and we've literally sat in her class everyday watching things on the election....today was the first day we actually took notes and had homework, but she didn't specify the exact article she wanted us to print out and bring, so I printed out like 6 different ones....hopefully one of them is the right one. She also irritates me. All she does is feed her democratic political views down our throats and bashes on Mitt Romney. I myself am at a moderate political state, mostly liberal, but I'd like to hear about the conservative part every now and then.
And lastly I came home to see my older cousin's car parked outside my house, well really my Nana's, but he's been driving it since he got a flat tire on his truck. It wasn't until then that I realized my best friend and big brother was moving away and going to college in a little over 5 days. This would be the last time I saw him until his Thanksgiving break. It's crazy to think that he won't just be a 20 minute drive away anymore. I won't have anyone to talk to about all the important stuff like friends or politics or literature who is on the same page as me. In reality, it makes me really sad. When he drove away today after we all hugged him bye, it really hit me; my best friend is gone. He was my first best friend ever. He was the one who called me siso when I was little and who would watch over me. He was the one I looked up to and always envied. He's everything I aspire to be, and now he's not gonna be here. It sucks. I know he's going to be having the time of his life, and I know he's going to be meeting new people and making new friends, but it sucks that he won't be doing that here. He's taught me everything I know and I hope he's just as proud of me as I am of him.